


The Sounds of the Living Girl

by Luxury_accomodation



Series: The Sounds of the Dying Girl [2]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:53:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luxury_accomodation/pseuds/Luxury_accomodation
Series: The Sounds of the Dying Girl [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1906243





	1. Chapter 1

At the time of writing this, it is the 20th of June 2017. A lot has happened since I last wrote in my notebook. I have started seeing a counsellor outside of school for about 3 months and it has been so helpful. I have not yet felt truly happy but I’m getting there.

I still have my self-esteem issues about my body and personality but I’m improving. I have managed to look in my mirror and call myself pretty and I actually meant it. For a few times while seeing my counsellor, I have felt proud of myself and of accomplishes I made.


	2. Chapter 2

I did have my CAMHS appointment. I went with my mum, brother and sister. The lady who took the session asked us all questions and she spoke to me alone for a bit. She had noticed that my mum was interrupting me and my sister a lot while we were talking about my feelings as she had something to say which would’ve obviously been right. The therapist said that she was very defensive and I agreed. When my sister had moved back home a week or so before this, she had made me aware of the controversial points my mum has made and her thinking that my mum thought she knew us better than we knew ourselves. My mum would always assume my feelings and since my sister pointed it out, I’ve noticed it more and more. It is harder now. My mum always thinks she knows everyone better than they do which is incorrect. Luckily my sister and I have so much in common and we feel the same way so it is nice to have someone to talk to.

At the end of the CAMHS session the therapist gave a sheet to me and my mum and asked us to fill it out separately. They both said things about how I was feeling, e.g. ‘you often feel nervous or anxious’ you could answer: Strongly Agree, Agree, Don’t Know, Disagree or Strongly Disagree.

According to the report we got at a later date, my mum couldn’t answer 16 out of the 48 questions (or something like that) and this is because I don’t share my feelings much – the therapist after we had started said my sister should’ve filled it out.

In the report, the therapist diagnosed me with mild depressive disorder (depression) and panic disorder (anxiety).

My private counsellor diagnosed me with mild autism before this, as she asked me a set of questions that would identify if I had autism or not. Even though I had suspected I was different in some way, autism did not cross my mind. But it wasn’t a bad thing to be diagnosed, it explained things for me and why I acted in certain ways in different situations.

If you’re nervous about being diagnosed, you shouldn’t be. It may come as a shock but it will provide you with answers to questions you didn’t even know you were asking.


	3. Chapter 3

I know it doesn’t really make sense, and I have spent a lot of time writing this, but I wanted to add another update, hopefully the last one.

It is Thursday 8th August 2019. I am now 17 and will start my final year of secondary school in September. Many things have happened in the two years since I last added to this book.

When I was in year 11 (in 2017/18) I was the most stressed as I had ever been due to the fact I had my GCSEs in May/June that are big tests and can determine where you can go for sixth form. I did well and passed all my exams, but something else happened.

A member of my form killed himself.

I remember hearing the news. Our whole year group had an assembly where they told us – most people already knew, but as I was in the art rooms doing my exam I hadn’t heard anything.

I cried so much. I barely knew him but I cried. The school did their best to be helpful over the next few days by inviting external counsellors to come in and talk to us, and by having the shul open for people all day, which had a makeshift memorial for him.

Me and a couple of my friends went to the counsellor, and I gave her a note that shared my real feelings – it could have been me. I wrote that I have had suicidal thoughts before and she just said we should tell the school. Ultimately, this session didn’t help me grieve, but the experience helped me think.

I came to a conclusion – if I, someone who barely knew anything about this person, would grieve so much, what must it be like for a person who they were friends with? Or family?

I cannot do this to anyone, I really wish I knew him, and then maybe I could have helped him. But there is no point dwelling on the past, all I can do is learn from what happened – and not kill myself.


	4. Chapter 4

Good things have happened too in the last two years. I have had some incredible opportunities and as I am writing this, I am undertaking a research project to discover brown dwarfs – which is something I never thought would happen.

I am really thankful for all the opportunities I have had, and the promise of more is sometimes the only thing keeping me going.

In September of 2020 it will hopefully be my turn to go to university, where I want to study Aerospace Engineering – who knows, maybe I will be sending the human race to another planet in 30 years!

I am also starting the process to get a formal diagnosis of autism, so my time at university will be easier for me.

I’m not sure if this update adds much to the story, but I guess it helps to see how far I’ve come in the 6 years since I realised I had depression. I have found that keeping my schedule busy is best for me, as a sort of distraction, but it also means I get to do so many things!


	5. Chapter 5

There have been so many changes over the past year. Right now, I am the happiest I have been for as long as I can remember.

From September 2019 I started Year 13, started preparing for my A levels, and worked towards applying to University. After several years of asking, my mum started research on getting a loft conversion to become my new bedroom.

I made the decision to get a formal diagnosis so I could get the help I need when I am at university. This provided, in my own words, “An answer to a question I didn’t ask.”. But it was worth it. It meant I got extra time in my exams at school, and was put in a smaller room with less people. I think this would’ve helped in my exams, but my A levels were cancelled so I can only assume!

On September 28th 2019, my grandma died. She was my last living grandparent so it hit hard. Especially for my mum. We helped each other through that time and I confided in my friends for a feeling of support. With a lot of my education, I think of her, and I know how proud she would be.

When I visited the psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with; mood instability, ASD (Asperger’s Syndrome), ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Along with the diagnosis’ I was starting medication to help with the mood instability, which made me wake up already feeling depressed with no reason. I’ve been on it a while and it works! I wake up with a neutral feeling and react to the events of the day, rather than feeling crappy for no reason.

Results’ day happened, despite not having done any exams. In the morning, I found out I was going to my first choice university! Later in the day I went to my school to collect my grade certificates. The grades were awful (how I got in to university I actually don’t know). But then the grading system changed and my grades improved a lot.


	6. Epilogue

This has been a collection of some life updates. But there is a point to it.  
You can tell from the title.

I started living again.

I got help, some of it didn’t work out, sometimes I got annoyed with my family, but I’m still here. 

I’m happy. Truly happy. Not just when it comes to exciting things, but daily. It is rare that I wake up already feeling depressed, but when I do, I’m better by the end of the day. The bad days I have experienced lately have been nowhere near as bad as before.

My self-esteem has sky-rocketed as I stopped caring what other people thought of me, and focussed on myself and my opinion only. During quarantine I’ve tried to keep busy. Some days I have woken up feeling shitty, but my mum helps. She makes me get up and finds things to do with me so I don’t start going mad.

I’m not an expert in anything. I don’t claim to be. 

I suffered in silence for over a year.

Things started to change as soon as someone else knew.

Even if it just lifted a bit of weight off my shoulders to know I didn’t have to deal with it alone.

Depression is scary. I still get suicidal thoughts. I have self-harmed a lot, despite my vow not to.

It can be a slippery slope, and once you start going down the whirlpool of depression, someone else might have to pull you out.

And that’s okay.

You don’t always have to be strong.

Let others in.

Take down your guard with people you trust.

Trust yourself.

Someone may not believe you. But this isn’t about them.

You’re not being selfish for worrying about yourself and your mental health. It’s self-preservation.

I Believe In You.


End file.
